So, I always think about why it is so hard for me to bond with people.
In a way I don't care, most of the time. It keeps me safe from mediocrity. Everybody knows I'm a little "special", strange, hard to approach. So before people try to get to know me, they just give up. I repel them.
I used to think I'm shy. When I'm in the middle of people I don't know, it's extremely difficult for me to act normal. But then I realized it happens also when it's people I've known for a while, depending on who those people are. I admit sometimes I don't even try; I mean, not everybody is really worth talking to. In those cases I put on my "don't even bother" face and ignore whoever is there. It's not nice, I know... But I don't really feel guilty.
The problem begins when I do want to talk. Or when everybody is being social and saying those things people say to keep a nice and empty conversation, and I simply can't do it. I try, it's just I end up saying stuff that in my head sound normal, but only get these "what the hell is she saying?" looks from everyone. I usually don't understand why it happens and decide to shut up. There are also times when I stay in the room so absent minded I don't catch half of the sentences that are said to me. In my denfense I'll say it's not always voluntary...
Bottomline is:
- I don't like most people (but I'm sure they are capable of being nice even when they dislike each other...);
- whenever I try to mingle I seem even weirder than I already do;
- I find it really hard to pretend being interested in a conversation when I'm not and say the "right things" everybody says so easily.
No, I'm not shy... not really. The more I think about it, the more I understand it: I just lack social skills. Somehow my learning in that matter wasn't complete.
Now what?
I like your blog and your honesty - especially in this post. I struggle with the same thing. I get along well enough with people, but am also the outsider, even in my small circle.
ReplyDeleteAs I get older, I'm learning to accept that not everyone will like me, and I won't like everyone, but I can only be myself - no one else. If people are worth a grain of salt, they'll accept that. The other thing to remember is that we never know exactly what a person is going through, so at the very least, we should try to be kind to each other.
I agree with you, obviously; I always try to be at least polite to people. I'm not mean, I just keep it to myself, mostly.
ReplyDeleteGlad you liked the blog. Thought only my 3 followers were reading this - or not even them... :)
Liked yours too, so I'm following it. Waiting for your updates!